Joke Thread

[Bushwacker]

Who’s in charge?

One day all the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the Blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the Stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the Leg, "Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible.

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

The Asshole is usually in charge!!!

Man isn't that the damn truth. :moon:

[Almuric]

Bush....you are truly sick. :tongue:

[Bushwacker]

Oh common now it was't that bad was it?

[MissChaos]

ROFL! Sir, that was hilarious! *applauds*

The following always made me laugh simply because they make no sense and they are REALLY bad :P

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: The oven pushed it

Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a tomato

Q: What's warm, yellow & dangerous?
A: Shark infested custard

Q: What's green, has 4 legs but can't fly?
A: A pool table

[Ninja-Panda]

a brilliant joke there by bushwacker and sum strange one's by missy!

[Bushwacker]

Originally posted by MissChaos@Aug 23 2005, 08:57 AM
ROFL! Sir, that was hilarious! *applauds*

The following always made me laugh simply because they make no sense and they are REALLY bad :P

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: The oven pushed it

Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a tomato

Q: What's warm, yellow & dangerous?
A: Shark infested custard

Q: What's green, has 4 legs but can't fly?
A: A pool table
Okay thats weird Miss. :lol:

[Bushwacker]

ok last one for the day.


BEST GENIE STORY EVER.

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they say the damage that was done; glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?” “Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a ling, healthy life!”

And now you, young lady, what do you want? the genie asked. “I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.

Consider it done, “the genie said.” And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have our fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you honey?”

You know I love you sweetheart, “said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“No Kidding,” he said.





“Thirty-five years old…..and both of you still believe in genies!”

[MissChaos]

Originally posted by Bushwacker@Aug 23 2005, 11:28 AM
[QUOTE=Bushwacker,Aug 23 2005, 08:57 AM]
Okay thats weird Miss. :lol:
Yes it is rather...... I'll post a proper joke now......


So there's this bar at the top of the Statue Of Liberty and one day this guy walks in and orders a beer. He looks around before heading out onto the balcony to enjoy the view. A man approaches him and says:

"You know, if you jump off the Statue Of Liberty and a few metre's before you hit the ground, you stick your arms out, you'll go whoosh! Straight back up to the top!"

The guy looks at him "What? No way! That's impossible!"

"No it's not, I'll prove it to you....."

So the guy climbs onto the railing and jumps, and right before he hits the ground he sticks his arms out and sure enough, whoosh! Straight back up to the balcony.

"WOW! So you mean to tell me, all I have to do is jump, and then just stick my arms up and I'll come straight back up like you did just then?"

"That's all there is to it...."

Cured of all scepticism the guy climbs onto the railing, takes a deep breath and jumps. A few metres from the ground he sticks his arms out and SPLAT! He hits the pavement and is killed instantly. The other guy goes back to the bar and orders another beer. The barman says: "You can be a real bastard, you know that Superman?"

[Almuric]

Well, i seen the superman joke before, the genie joke is just WRONG, and wtf miss? I tried those other jokes on everyone in my office...no one laughed. :(

[Ninja-Panda]

roflmao 2 great jokes there!

ok this one was told to me by a friend so don't blame me if u think it suks

there once lived a red man who lived in a red house, one day when he went to have a shower in his red bathroom there was a knock at his red door, he grabbed a towel, put it around his waist and went to answer the door

at the door was a women, he asked her what she wanted and she said she was a fter directions so he pointed down the road showing her the way as he did this his towel slipped to the ground, the women in shock ran away into the road where she was hit by a car

the moral of this story, never cross the road when the red man is flashing!



i'll add more when i think of them

[Bushwacker]

Never seen the Superman joke...pretty funny. :cool:

[MissChaos]

Originally posted by Trog@Aug 23 2005, 11:42 AM
Well, i seen the superman joke before, the genie joke is just WRONG, and wtf miss? I tried those other jokes on everyone in my office...no one laughed. :(
That's the point of those jokes though Trog, 99% of people stop and scratch their head and don't get it..... THAT I find funny.......

Here's a good ole Australian joke, I don't expect the Americans to get it....LOL! Before I post it though a lil explanation is needed. Vegemite is a savoury spread you put on toast or sammiches, for some reason only Aussie's like it.

There are 3 men working on a building site, an Englishman, an American & an Australian, sitting down to have their lunch

The Englishman opens his sandwich: "Cheese! I'm so sick of cheese! If my wife makes me a cheese sandwich again tomorrow I'm going to ride the lift up and jump off the top of the tower."

The American opens his sandwich: "MARMALADE! NO! If MY wife makes marmalade sandwiches for me tomorrow I'm going to join you mate, we can both jump.:

The Australian has a peek at his lunch: "VEGEMITE SANDWICHES! If I get them again tomorrow I'll bloody jump as well!"

The next day the gentlemen sit down to lunch together. The Englishman opens his sandwich: "****ING CHEESE! THATS IT!" He gets into the lift, rides to the top of the tower and proceeds to jump off, killing himself.

The American opens his and without saying a word jumps into the lift and proceeds to throw himself from the tower.

The Australian, opening his sandwich, quickly follows.

A week later, the widows of the 3 construction workers are discussing their loved one's untimely end.

"I don't get it," The Englishman's wife said. "If he didn't want cheese he should have just asked, I would have made him something else."

"Me too!" Says the American's wife, drying her eyes. "All he had to do was say something.

The Australian's wife looks at them and shrugs..... "I really don't get it, because my husband used to make his own lunch!"

[Ninja-Panda]

lol iv heard simmilar one's to that :P

[Almuric]

heh....ok miss...that one was pretty funny.

[Bushwacker]

A Trucker

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

Damn blonds----> :igib:

[Bushwacker]

Dwarf with a Lisp

Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Darakian]

Got one for you ;)

It was professor smith's first day at st. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy". He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?" Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question"

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query. This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead. Henry answered:" pupil of a human eye"

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:

(1) Your lack of knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high,!!!!!!!(10 times .......... huhhh ...... MY GOD!!)

[Almuric]

ok, got a nice laugh out of the dwarf joke. :)

[Bushwacker]

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.
The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

[Ninja-Panda]

lol nice 1