Starcraft - Light Unorigins (Starcraft Spoof)

[Protoss119]

It's a starcraft spoof on the last level of Broodwar for the Zerg Campaign. 'Nuff said. Enjoy!



Starcraft: Light Unorigins
A Starcraft spoof by Alex Korb

“Omega” (Last Zerg Level)
Big Platform Thingy

Kerrigan: Cerebrate, there’s 3 fleets coming in. For no reason, I placed 85% of your available forces on Char.

Cerebrate: ~can't say anything, it’s a briefing, stupid~

Kerrigan: Worse, Duran disappeared, so he can’t not have any effect on the battle whatsoever.

Emperor Mengsk: Aww…did I catch you at a bad time?

Kerrigan: No duh, Sherlock. I know all about your three fleets. One’s terran, led by a warlike pacifist-

Mengsk: Yo.

Kerrigan: Another’s protoss, led by a mouthless orc-

Artanis: That’s right, man. And when I get out of this briefing, I’m gonna call up some friends, and you’re gonna be DEAD, man!

Kerrigan: Figures. Last but not least, we have an old fart.

General Dugalle: That is correct, Kerrigan. As you can be currently telling about myself, my grammar, once again, sucks.

Kerrigan: You want me to surrender, don’t you?

General Dugalle: Surrender? What the hell are you talking about? I just want to blow the crap out of your base!

Kerrigan: You’ll never catch me! ~points to a wall~ This wall will help me escape when I go through it! You’ll never take me alive!

General Dugalle: I’m not trying to. Let’s see this wall.

Kerrigan: Oh…um…well…before I begin…err…LOOK! Is that a window?!

General Dugalle: WHERE?!

Kerrigan knocks Dugalle unsubconsious.
Mengsk: You have no chance to survive make your time.

Kerrigan: ~sigh~ End briefing.

Cerebrate: Finally! I can speak! Hey wait…OMFG- ~enters the game, cannot speak again~

OK. So, we’re starting out with 1 Hive & 2 Hatcheries. Drones begin working. A guardian hatches from a mutalisk that magically appeared. It proceeds to the UED base where it encounters 2 ghosts.

Ghost 1: Hey, what is that thing?

Ghost 2: Hmm…I’ve seen this guy before. I know his name starts with a P…

Guardian: -_- ~holds up a sign that says “Guardian”~

Ghost 1: You sure it starts with a P? I think it starts with an E…

Ghost 2: Nonsense. It’s a T.

3 hours later…

The guardian is holding up a million or so flashy lights, all denoting that he is a guardian.

Ghost 1: Blah. Let’s just make it an R.

Ghost 2: You sure it’s an R?

Ghost 1: I saw the letter R on TV once. You think I know what it means?

Guardian: ~sighs, shoots a ghost who promptly dies~

Ghost 2: HOLY CRAP A GUARDIAN- ~shot~

Guardian: <They learned! I was about to kill myself…but if this one can learn, what if others could, too?>

Suddenly, a dozen battlecruisers surround the Guardian.

Guardian: <Hey! You know what I am? I’m a Guar-> ~yamato’d~


Text Block'd/10.

[Protoss119]

Meanwhile, at the Protoss base…

Zealot Mob: For Aiur! For Aiur! For Aiur!

Artanis: SHUT UP, DAMMIT!

High Templar: Doeth master what, thee? (What doeth thee, master?)

Artanis: Damn templars…always talking funny. Damn zealots…always giving their lives for Aiur…Damn dark templars…always cloaking…speaking of which, you guys ready yet?

Dark Templar Leader: Ready to infiltrate the Zerg Base, sir!

Dark Templar: Uh, wait! I think I got my cloak on backwards!

Dark Templar Leader: Damn. Looks like it’ll take another half hour to get ready then.

Artanis: Oh for fu-

Okay! Um…now back to the…uh…Zerg Base!

Mengsk: My base never gets mentioned-

Zealot: FOR AIUR! ~slices him~

Zerg Base

Two hydralisks see a Protoss Carrier.

Hydra 1: Z0MG 4 C4RR13R!

Hydra 2: $H007 73H C4RR13R, N07 73H 1N73RC3P70R$!

Both hydras attack the Interceptors, despite Hydra 2’s advice.

Protoss Base

Dark Templar Leader: We’re ready!

Artanis: Then go, stupid!

Dark Templar Leader: Yes sir!

Zerg Base Again

Dark Templar Leader: Be really quiet! Star away from the overlords and they won’t detect us!

Zergling: Hey, look! Some Dark Templars!

Zergling 2: Kill them!

Zergling: OK!

A Zergling rush cuts through the Dark Templar until only the leader is left.

Leader: How!? How did you detect us?!

Cloaked Overlord: BLARGH

Leader: Oh for fu- ~ling’d~

Mengsk’s Base

Mengsk: Finally! I vote for-

Whoops! Sorry, wrong base. UED Base

Mengsk: Oh for fu- ~shot~ -ck’s sake…

Dugalle: I would do something extremely strategic right now, but I was knocked out, so I vote for immediate battlecruiser rush.

Mengsk: Why didn’t I think of that in the first place? DO IT!

Dugalle: 2 vote Yes, 0 vote No, and 1 votes Snow Mirnimane.

Artanis: The ballot was confusing…

Dugalle: Artanis, Carriers. Mengsk, Battlecruisers. I’ll handle the rest…


Text Block'd/10.

[Protoss119]

Zerg Base Again Again

Zergling: What a fine day to get BC rushed!

Hydralisk: Yes, yes…Oh, look! Here come some carriers!

Zergling: And red-emblazoned battlecruisers!

12 Carriers and 12 Battlecruisers come out of nowhere, flanking the Zerg from the Southwest and Southeast.

Mengsk: Where the hell is Dugalle?!

Suddenly, about 200 terran civilians march into the Zerg base.

Mengsk: CIVS! This was supposed to be a BC rush!

Dugalle: They’re not average civs…they’re DEATH civs! Watch as they touch something and make it die! You there!

Civ #138: Yeah?

Dugalle: Touch that sunken colony over there.

Civ: Err…OK…~touches it, nothing happens~ …eww.

The sunken colony kills the civ.

Mengsk: -_-

Dugalle: This is the UED.

Artanis: Now with Protoss!

Dugalle: Come out with your hands up! We do not want to hurt you!

Mengsk: Didn’t you just say you wanted to kill Kerrigan?

Dugalle: Err…yeah…well…

???: HALT!

A mysterious figure comes from out of the blue (to enter the red, of course. Or was it green?). It looks like a Protoss Arbiter only covered in blue paint.

Protoss119: Bow before me, for I am the sprite lord-

Dugalle: Dammit, what the hell do you want?!

Protoss119: This level was made for the Zerg to win, not to lose. Therefore, since you are winning, you must lose!

Suddenly, all the enemies in the level magically blow up.

Zergling: Aww…there goes my Go Fish opponent…

Protoss119: You are free to live another day, Zerg-men.

With that, the blue Arbiter flies off.

Hydralisk: What the heck just happened?!

Fin.

Ultralisk: RAWR! <What’d I miss?>

[JYAP]

I want more.

Unfortunately on the other end is...

Drow Dumbass: YES! IT IS I! DROW DUMB-wait...what was my real name again? Anyways,I HAVE COME TO LAY DEATH AND DESTRUCTION UPON THE ZERG!

All the BCs and Carriers and civs reassemble.

Protoss119: You can't do that! I'm the author!

Drow Dumbass: Well,this part is typed by JYAP,who has more authority than you...

Protoss119: No he doesn't.

O RLY?

Protoss119: Ya rly.

Scourge: AHEM!

Oh,right. Anyways,the battlecruisers are about to attack...

Commodore Whatshisname: Fire the Yamato Cannons!

Weapons Dude: Which button does that?

Whatshisname: The red one.

Weapons Dude: K.(pushes it)

All the cruisers face each other.

Whatshisname: The other red one-WAIT NO!

Weapons Dude: (pushes it)

All the cruisers blow each other to bits.

Executor Whatshisface: Ok...carriers attack!

Mutalisk: Reveal the secret weapon!

A odd-shaped Overlord comes out.

Whatshisface: It looks like an Overlord that swallowed-oh poopie.

The Overlord shoots out thousands of scourges that somehow shoot tiny quills instead of kamakazing. Needless to say,the carriers are owned pretty fast.

Protoss119: Hah! I win!

DD: (raises them all again) Not really...

O RLY owl: O RLY? (flies by killing everything that isn't zerg)

DD: (swats owl down) Damn owl. Now-(SLICE)

Rain: Shut up.

Zerg win. ggnore n00bz

[Protoss119]

Shweet. A new weapon.

~mods Scourge-shooting overlord, giving it 9999 HP, 9999 Shields, & 255 Armor~

~also modifies Scourge Needles to do 9999 + 9999 damage per upgrade~

~sets upgrades to 255~

Hee hee hee...this'll be fun.

[JYAP]

Do one based off the mission where you need to infiltrate a base in the Terran Campaign and kill Alexis Stukov. That one has potential,what with the bomb at the start,the goliaths,the civie giving the password then being shot,the zerglings getting roasted...

[Protoss119]

Patriot's Blood? Yes...I feel I need to reintroduce the Death Civ.

[JYAP]

I'll help you get started.

JYAP: Let's go do a Patriot's Blood run with WC heroes.

Protoss: But I don't have one!

JYAP: You can borrow my lich. Ready? Let's go.

Outside the base...

Halfwing: I'm up. (moves Pit Lord into sight)

Marine: WTF are you?

Pit Lord: PH3312 (V)3 (V)012741_5!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111111shif t+1

Marine: (dies from 1337speak)

Firebat: Intruders!

Powerneed13: I call dibs.

Crypt Lord: (impales Firebat,then pounces on him and dices him up)

At the door...

JYAP: I'm it.

Firelord: (starts a volcano on the other side)

Marine: MY SUIT IS ON FIRE! MY SUIT IS ON FIRE! MY SUIT-

Protoss: Ok. My turn.

Lich: (Frost Novas the Marine)

Pit Lord: (knocks open the door with his massive bulk)

JYAP: Viris,go around the corner and check for reinforcements.

Viris69: Will do.

Blademaster: (WWs,speeds across room and turns the corner)

CLING SLASH SLICE

Viris: All clear now.

TO BE CONTINUED

I used everyone's favorite hero. I didn't know yours though. :(

[Protoss119]

As for me, I LIKE TASSADARS! But Lich will do just fine.

Also, I got your message on B.net.

Protoss119: Hey guys. My shipment of heroes just came in.

JYAP: You made a shipment? How much did it cost?

Protoss119: A dollar. Blizzard was too busy setting up prices for WoW heroes & underpriced the Starcraft ones. Hmm, let's see...Fenix...Dragoon Fenix...Ooooh! TASSADAR!

JYAP: Oh god no-

Protoss119: I LIKE TASSADARS! I NEED TO HAVE T3H TASSADARSZORS!

JYAP: Shut up and get out your ~mutters: Need I say it, lord?~ Tassadar.

Protoss119 does so.

Viris69: Hey guys. I'm picking up something on my plot device.

JYAP: What is it?

Viris69: There's a Goliath repair bay in section 1138.

Protoss119: We need those Goliaths!

JYAP: Why do we need those goliaths-

Sieged Siege Tank of much Sieging: JAAAAAAAAA- ~melted by Firelord~

Powerneed13: Makes sense to me.

-=3 Hours of shooting Marines later...=-

Protoss119: Hold up. It was only supposed to take 3 minutes.

JYAP: Well, that warp portal obviously didn't help, did it?!

FLASHBACK...

Protoss119: This way! ~runs into this warp thing which takes him back to where he just was~ This way! ~ditto~ This way! ~ditto~ This way! ~ditto~

JYAP: Oh god. I take it we'll need to deactivate this portal before Toss dies of exhaustion?

Powerneed13: Yeah.

...KCABHSALF

Protoss119: Y'know, it may have helped if you followed me.

JYAP: Actually, no it wouldn't.

Viris: Hey, JYAP, is this guy expendable?

JYAP: Yes. Extremely.

Halfwing: Then why do you keep him around?

JYAP: How many rangers do you see nowadays that don't CS/Run-and-gun?

Viris: Good point...wait. My plot device is picking up new contacts. A full squad of marines.

Protoss119: No problem.

Tassadar psi-storms the squad of marines.

Marine: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW hey my gameboy's batteries are recharged OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! ~explodes in a bloody mess~

Protoss119: Why does it always do that?

Powerslave13: Do what?

Protoss119: Watch.

Tassadar psi-storms a marine's arm and it explodes in a bloody mess.

Protoss119: See?

JYAP: I know what to do. ~unplugs the Turok Evolution gory mess machine~

Viris: So yeah, we're at the Goliath bay.

Civilian: Alert the Goliath Pilots!

The Firelord spawns a miniature volcano on the cieling which spits big flaming rocks a la Kirby: The Crystal Shards (for N64).

Civilian: That's not physically possi- BLARGH!

JYAP: Hurry! Get the Goliaths!

They each get in one of their own goliaths & their goliaths transform. Powerneed's goliath is made of stone & steel & purple with spirits flying all over it & can fire spears a la Gauntlet II: Dark Legacy (for the NES). Halfwing's is covered in funny armor and now has half of a horse's body (like a Centaur) and fires globs of 1337. Viris' goliath is made up of green flesh & swords and can fire swords a la the same game. JYAP's Goliath is flaming hot to the touch and fires explosive bullets. Protoss's Goliath has been Protoss'd and now has rapid-firing Phase Disruptor Cannons.

Halfwing: Hacker!

Powerneed: Soul Sucker!

Viris: Fencer!

JYAP: Guys, why are we all naming our goliaths?

Viris: Uh...because it's fun?

JYAP: ~sigh~

Huge Battalion of Sieged Siege Tanks of much Sieging: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- ~blown to bits~

???: You have made it this far, players, but you will not survive this encounter!

Alexi Stukov appears from the cieling, somehow flying.

Alexi: You won't get past my Uber gun of 1337ness!

Alexi fires and knocks Halfwing to the ground.

Protoss119: No! Halfwing's been wounded!

Halfwing: Actually, I think I'm alright-

Alexi: No you're not! ~fires at Viris & Powerneed, resulting in Halfling's fate~ Muahahahahaha! You cannot defeat me-

JYAP: Ah shaddup. ~fires at the strings holding Alexi up and he falls to the ground~

Alexi: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH- I love it in hollywood -AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH- ~crash~

JYAP: Typical movie stuff.

Alexi: Please don't kill me! I beg you!

JYAP: All you had to do was-

Samir Duran: DIE! ~shoots Stukov~

Alexi: Ow! ~dies~

Dugalle: You idiots! Now this place is going to blow!

Adjutant: Adjutant online. Cool explosion happening in 30:00. Cool explosion happening in 29:56. Cool explosion happening in 29:52.

JYAP: Dammit. Let's go hurry up & shut off that cool explosion.

15 minutes later...

Adjutant: Cool explosion happening 14:32. Cool explosion happening in 14:28.

JYAP: OK, we're at the Self Destruct Cancellation button. Toss, press that blue button.

Protoss119: This one?

JYAP: No, the other one.

Protoss119: Oh, this one. ~presses it~

Suddenly, a Rancor drops out of nowhere.

JYAP: I told you to press the other one!

Protoss119: No you didn't! You told me to press the one you told me to press!

JYAP: Whatever. ~throws a plasma grenade into the Rancor's mouth~

Rancor: RRRRRRRAAAAUUUGGGGHHH- ~insides explode~

JYAP: Right. This time, I'M going to press the button. ~presses same button~

Rancor: RRRAAAAWWWGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Protoss119: This time, I'M going to throw the plasma grenade. ~does so, Rancor's insides explode~

After 14 minutes of this...

JYAP: OK, let's press the one we haven't pressed yet.

Protoss119: OK. ~does so~

Adjutant: Cool explosion no longer happening.

JYAP: That ought to shut the Adjutant up.

Adjutant: Repeat, cool explosion no longer happening. Repeat, repeat, cool explosion no longer happening. Repeat, repeat, repeat, cool explosion no longer happening.

JYAP: HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I ENDURE STUPIDITY?!?!?!?!?!?!questionmarkexclamationpoint

JYAP & Protoss get recalled in 5...4...blah, forget the stupid countdown. ~recalls them a la Blue Arbiter into another Starcraft game~

Idiot: HEY! GET OUT OF OUR (Beep!)ing game you (Beep!)ing son of a (Beep!)! (Beep!) my (Beep!) (Beep!)

Protoss119: Talk about Vulgar. ~recalls himself & JYAP back to B.net~

JYAP: Thank god we're out of that.

Viris: What about us?

You guys can just leave.

Powerneed: Oh, right. ~all 3 do so~

And they all lived happily ever-

JYAP: Oh no. This is NOT how you're gonna end YOUR story!

Listen here, bud. This is MY story and I get to do whatever I- ~impaled~

Fin.

[JYAP]

Nice-waitaminute!

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=567708

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=567758

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=567773

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=567782

That says it all.

[Protoss119]

Lawl.

Yes, I know very little about WC. But whatever.

[JYAP]

http://www.battle.net/war3/neutral/

http://www.battle.net/war3/human/units/

http://www.battle.net/war3/orc/units/

http://www.battle.net/war3/nightelf/units/

http://www.battle.net/war3/undead/units/

Now that you got information on every hero in WC,go forth and do the missing scene.

[Protoss119]

~edits~

There. Go forth & read the new Goliath transformation.

[JYAP]

You forgot the zerg. Again.

[JYAP]

Fine. Since you can't be bothered with the scenes,I will!

(when Toss was NOT jumping into the portal wildly)

(after the bloody deaths of many marines later,the party reaches a terminal. Sadly,powerneed13's crypt lord reaches it first.)

Power: Press any key to continue...well which one's the any key?

JYAP: Moron. Just smash the thing.

(CRUSH)

Advisor: Warning: Stupid person operating terminal. Increase security by 99 levels.

(about 80 marines pop up and swarm the team)

JYAP: Power I hate you.

Pit Lord: ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Marine: ...shoot that first.

Wing: But my Howl of Terror always works!

JYAP: You used Roar,not Howl! Now we're all powered up!

Marine: Let's just open fire.

Firelord: (calls a lava spawn)

Marine: What the f**k is that?!?

Lava Spawn: (jumps on marine,killing him instantly and shooting out a new lava spawn,which does the same)

Marine: KEEEEEEEEL!

Blademaster: (WWs,gets in a gap in their army,starts Bladestorm)

Tons of flying body parts later,the marines are all dead. Eww.

Before making it to the Goliaths,the party encounters a locked door.

Civie: Whatever they do to you,never ever tell the password.

Pit Lord: Tell us the password or I eat you.

Civie: It's Farnham! DON'T EAT ME!

Civie 2: Traitor.

Pit Lord: Thanks. (Rain of Fires them)

After the Goliaths are obtained and Stukov dies,the party goes to stop the really cool explosion from happening. Except...

Crypt Lord: Oh look at those Ultralisks. They can't hurt us down there...

The party turns their backs on the ultras,which do a fancy matrix wall jump and land behind the party.

Crypt Lord: OH SHIT! FIRE PHOOLS FIRE!

Firelord: I give the orders,now shut up. FIRE PHOOLS FIRE!

The Ultras all put out Crackling Launchers and aim at the Crypt Lord's goliath.

Crypt Lord: YAAAAAAAAH!(shooting like mad before 20 lings jump on and rip his goliath and him to shreds)

Crypt Lord the level 10 Crypt Lord has fallen.

Powerneed13: Well damn.(leaves)

Firelord: (walks into melee range)

Ultralisk: YEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BLADE IS ON FIRE! MY BLADE IS ON FIRE! MY BLADE IS ON FIRE! MY BLADE-(shot by Toss)

Next room...

Zergling Leader: ZERG RUSH GO!

Automated Flamethrower Pop-up Turret: Can't let you do that Star Fox!(WHOOSH)

Leader: BLARGH

Firelord: Yay. No work at all.

Next room...

Blademaster: Geez Laweez,what is THAT?!?(points at a freaky Reaver)

Infested Reaver: FOR THE SWARM!(shoots Infested Terrans at Blademaster,which blow him to pieces in short order)

Blademaster the level 10 Blademaster has fallen.

Viris69: The hell?(leaves)

JYAP: Wait. There's no infested reavers in this mission. While their existance is cool,they aren't here.

Infested Reaver: (explodes in a big explosion since he shoots infested terrans)

Next room they are ambushed by a cross between a zergling and a dark templar. So we have freaky infested templars jumping around ninja style as fast as zerglings. How do we get by?

Wing: Look! It's Tassadar! (points back to the flamethrower room)

Infested Templars: WHERE?!?(ninja style jump into flamer room,where they get charboiled)

Then finally they reach the reactor. My missing scenes end here.

[Protoss119]

~applauds~

[Halfwingseen]

*points out that i am superior in all things pvp be it warcraft custom maps or nwn thus i cannot be harmed and i am all knowing all seeing all hearing and all powerful and i prefer pit lord rushes not the pit lord hero the best hero is tinker by far PH33R T3H FACTROY!!!!!! ( yes factroy )

[Protoss119]

~since JYAP hates FoD spammers, spams Neg. Energy Burst on Halfwing~

[JYAP]

...right...

Any other ideas for SC spoofs using WC heroes/units?